A list of honest GRATEFULS
By: TD Dickinson
Have you ever wanted to just give up?
Will you be honest with yourself?
I know I have……..
For those of us who suffer in the mind, I would like to remind us all that we are not the sum of our thoughts. This month is Suicide Prevention Month.
I join the world in celebrating all of those who have tried and succeeded, may they get it right in the next life. I celebrate you. And for those who have tried and failed, CONGRATS on your favor from the good Lord….. You have much more work to do on this Earth.
I can honestly say that, as of today, I have never attempted suicide, but I have thought of ending it all on many occasions. I made a promise to someone that I would never take my own life, and I thank him for it. I keep this promise because of all the people in this world, I felt his love as real, as genuine. (Thank you to my Lion. I love you, ALWAYS)
More importantly, I have thought of ending it for many others more than myself. (They have all said I had a victim mentality) No victim over here. For those that know, (and for those that don’t) my prayers have prevented a whole lot of suffering at my own hands to those who have slandered my name, played with my life, and used and abused me. I thank God for the heart that He gave me. It is my heart that has kept me from behind bars and MANY from in the dirt.
Today, in honor of Suicide Prevention Month, I cannot help but sit and think of all the wonderful things I AM grateful for.
For those that know me, you all know that mental suffering has plagued me all of my life. For those that do not know me, I suffer from bipolar disorder. Please take note that I did not say that I AM bipolar, AND it is NOT capitalized. I was diagnosed while serving in the military in 2007 shortly after returning from a tour in Japan. I was stationed at Fort Hood, TX and was a young mother of 2 children at the time. I was a married air(wo)man that worked long hours for our country and would have to come home to an abusive house husband.
The diagnosis was a relief of sorts as I was retired early from the military. This was my first hospitalization due to my illness and I would be hospitalized many times after this throughout the years. My diagnosis came in January of 2007. By June of 2007, I was permanently retired and would be hospitalized at least one more time before returning back to Mississippi.
So, in honor of Suicide Prevention month, here is a list of some of the things I AM grateful for.
I AM grateful to be ALIVE. To have breathe in my body.
I AM grateful for the Holy Spirit. (PERIOD)
I AM grateful to be in a home that the doors lock and unlock according to my liking.
I have a wonderful dog named Bella. Though she is not perfect, she is perfect for ME. She accepts me for me, no matter if I AM at 10% or 100% or 1000%, she is always there with a smile, wagging tail, or an attitude so BIG, it fills the room. (She is only 4lbs btw)
I have beautiful plants that I take real pride in cultivating.
My house may not be the cleanest, but it is NOT filthy. I can see the floor in every room. Thank you to my Lion who actually taught me how to properly sweep a floor. (One of the greatest parts of my cleaning routine. Love can be found in the smallest of details)
I AM grateful for the mind to brush my teeth EVERYDAY.
I AM grateful to have the mind to shower on a daily basis. These last two are huge for me. They may seem normal for you, but for me, I give honor to GOD…..pshh… for this entire list, really.
I AM grateful for my VOICE. Grateful that the good Lord kept his promises.
What God gives you, the world, NOR YOU, can take it away.
ABBA makes no mistakes and I AM honored to have a relationship with all 3 aspects of Him.
I AM grateful for the knowledge to fight every lie that the voices in my head try to convince me that I AM. They go DIRECTLY AGAINST what God says I AM, so this has become increasingly easier day by day. They still come, but I say to them, YOU ARE A LIAR.
I AM grateful for every teacher life has thrown my way. It is because of you that I stand here today, ready to BE WHO GOD CALLED ME TO BE. Every abuser, every liar, every person that was supposed to protect me but didn’t, every thief, every gossiper, every rapist, every frienemy, every demon, you guys were awesome teachers. Remember that Karma is real and GOD DON’T PLAY BOUT ME. I do pray God has mercy on you. Class is dismissed.
I AM grateful to be talented and gifted. I thank God for the confidence to walk in that knowing.
I AM grateful that I AM NOT PERFECT, I AM ME! Thank you, God, for setting me free from perfectionism. Shame on those who put that seed in me to think that this was the only way I was lovable. SHAME ON YOU.
To all the angels out there, remember that we may fall, but when we do, we fall on CLOUDS! Thanks, Halle, for this reminder in your beautiful song “Angel”!
To all of us GIANTS OUT THERE, remember that Goliath went rogue and needed to be put down! I urge us all to keep our eyes and prayers focused on THE SON and keep MOVING FORWARD! Heaven is watching. I love you all.
I leave you all with this Serenity (Peace) prayer:
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things that I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is.
NOT AS I WOULD HAVE IT.
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His will
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him FOREVER in the next.
Amen
~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
And finally,
May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance (face) upon you, and give you PEACE.
Amen
